The problem of parental disagreement starts from the child’s birth when diverging ideas about child rearing unexpectedly arise.
As father, one parent will be influenced by his own male training growing up and this may bias his perception and approach to a son and daughter. So maybe he believes competing hard and performing well is what matters most.
As mother, the other parent will be influenced her own female training growing up and that may bias her perception and approach to a daughter and son. So maybe she believes forming and nurturing lasting relationships with friends is what matters most.
Come the onset of adolescence (beginning around ages 9 – 13), however, when the five developmental engines that drive young people toward more individuality and independence — separation, expansion, differentiation, opposition, and responsibility – begin to fire, their parenting is challenged in ways it was not before.
As for the process of parental disagreement about what response or decision to make, they need to appreciate several benefits that this discord can bring.
1. PARENTAL DISAGREEMENT CAN BE EXPANSIVE.
- By creating two different ways of looking at the same issue or problem, it can increase parental understanding.
2. PARENTAL DISAGREEMENT CAN BE CORRECTIVE.
- Each parent can be a helpful observer of the other’s parenting, offering suggestions when the other gets stuck in an unproductive interaction.
3. PARENTAL DISAGREEMENT CAN BE STRENGTHENING.
- By sharing and understanding divergent points of view and by reaching a mutually acceptable decision, intimacy in the relationship is enhanced.
Children, particularly adolescents, give parents a lot to disagree about. How parents manage this disagreement is only secondarily about the welfare of the child. Primarily it is about their partnership and how by marrying on a difficult decision they can further strengthen the marriage they have made.